I flake out on people a lot. Just earlier tonight, in fact, I was going to cancel plans with friends and stay home, maybe read a book and cozy up on the couch, and the fleeting thought of “I should write about ‘being a flake’!!” passed through my head. Then I looked at my phone.
At 6:05 pm I finished a phone call with a friend, during which we had agreed to go out and hear some music tonight. She was going to the gym,but would text when she was back and I’d head up to her place. She said to “look nice!” since we were going out. I ate dinner, and putzed around, excited that for once I wasn’t dead-exhausted come Friday night. I started to figure out what to wear.
At 7:06 pm I had texted my friend asking if what I was wearing was okay and “What does ‘look nice’ even mean!?”
At 7:50 pm I was freaking out and my burst of spontaneous-socializing was fading. I texted my friend again to see how she was doing and if she was back from the gym.
I was getting ready to text her again, to say you know, I’m really tired, maybe we should just hang out tomorrow…. when she texted me at 8:16pm saying she was back from the gym, come on over.
I was going to then call her- just apologize, I was more tired than I thought… my usual excuses. In my head I was creating a “safe” evening of reading alone with my cat, cozy. Then I looked at my phone… in the span of about two hours it seemed I had gone from super excited to see my friends on a Friday night to wanting to escape and not do it. I told myself, Go! I had just said I would, after all. Yes, I was getting tired, but what was the worst that could happen? I’d be really tired and have to take the train back late.
And I was all dressed, shoes on, ready to go. So I went out. We had fun, heard some great music, and shared some french fries. Great night!
I wanted to write about how being “a flake” with friends stinks and it is something I’m trying to do less often… but then I went ahead and changed my actions, not just my words. Sometimes I do really need to cancel plans. But sometimes, it is clear to me that it’s good to force myself, challenge myself, to go out.
Plus, I had a great time– my soul needed friends and live music and a drink on a Friday night. These are not usually things I do on a Friday night (especially the live music at a bar part) … but tonight it was just what I was feeling and I am proud of myself for realizing it and riding out the anxiety that was telling me to cancel.