I am seeking balance in life. Balance is often found by swinging from one end to another, becoming aware, and settling in the middle.
I am currently seeking balance in one of the largest, most global pieces of life: perfectionism recovery. What is the difference between perfectionism and just not caring? Working hard, striving for excellence, or constantly holding myself to a standard higher than is attainable? Do I have such high expectations that I am consistently not proud of myself?
Adolescence: Emotional eating, which I ‘cured’ by hyper-control in all aspects of my life– ultimately, anorexia nervosa, which as I tried to recover transitioned into bulimia nervosa and binge eating. Compulsive exercising became hating exercising. Swing, pendulum, swing. Feeling out of control, to completely in control, to entirely out of control.
Adulthood: I have the most normal relationship with food in my life that I have ever had. I think exercise is pretty closely there, too. My body is not a battleground.
In elementary and middle school I developed obsessive/compulsive symptoms. The eating disorders therapist I worked with also diagnosed me with OCD. A few years later I recognized that a main reason I no longer had many of these compulsions was because I was completely avoiding situations that caused me to obsess.
I bring these two examples up– eating and OCD– because it reveals to me a pattern of too much to too little, too far one direction to too far another– ultimately arriving at some semblance of balance– eventually (admittedly, of course, I am imperfect and a work in progress- as we all are– but I have some balance back indeed!).
So– this perfectionism piece. Is the swing of overachieving- is it underachieving? Is it unmotivated to do anything at all, to try at all– is it the same coin of perfectionism? I wonder.
Will I swing the perfectionism pendulum too far? Am I? I find myself unmotivated, without direction, exhausted from being anxious all the time– is underachieving a step to seek balance or is it the avoiding of trying to be excellent without perfectionistic? Am I making any sense?
Or perhaps I am, again, over-thinking and over-analyzing my life.