I never pictured myself as an adult

Is that weird to say? I never pictured myself here and I never pictured myself working in a business or at a company or — well, just being an adult. When I sit here in self-pity and make excuses for why I am here when being here as an adult, as a “career” idea hurts so much… I wonder if part of it is because I never let myself see this happening.

I don’t really understand this either, but I’m going to go with it for now:

I always thought I would be a teacher of sorts, because that’s what my parents do. Maybe that’s a start. I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher when I was in kindergarten. I don’t remember what I wanted to be for the next several years, but I do remember realizing I was not a huge fan of small children. I really wanted to be a lawyer in 7th grade — I found it fascinating and I loved to argue. In high school I either wanted to be an English professor, or be a high school English teacher. In college I went back and forth a bit- professor — usually when my emotions were too much to handle — or some other type of therapist, counselor, student support personnel. Education has always been the common theme. Education and helping others.

Education and helping others- that is my truth about what I like to do. And yet, picturing myself as an adult with a job is not something I’ve ever done — truly — until now. It’s terrifying. Responsibility is terrifying. I have done the summer-job-thing where it’s a bit boring but okay and you watch the clock and leave at the end of the day and don’t think about it. That’s working for money and that’s what I’m kind of doing right now, though it’s not that simple.

The point of a job? You spend a lot of  time at work so you should enjoy what you do– they say. There’s so much talk about networking and career this and resume that and make yourself look as good as possible and the devil is in the details (eternally true for a systems-thinking perfectionist like me) … and as someone who grew up struggling so much with insecurity and wanting to be normal and then in college making a shift to not being normal, being apart– the idea of mainstream is really hard for me to grasp. But a career/job — these are universal things in my society.

I know I’m not making any sense, but I am going to keep writing. You see, when I left an ideal job for reasons I’m not entirely sure of (it has been such a confounding muddle of emotions and pain– and I try to just not go there too much right now) … anyway, when I left that job I started punishing myself severely and one of the things I told myself I was not allowed to do was write.

I’m done listening to myself. I want to write. I have always, always, always loved to write and right (write) now I need to write.

I know that I would like to have a job that is related to education and teaching and working with people and helping them. Beyond that, I’m not entirely sure. And that’s okay.

This is where I’m at. I am here and here is okay. It is what it is. It is painful. It is okay.

But I never really pictured myself as an adult three years out of college with a real job. Which is maybe why I walked away from that first job. I couldn’t picture it. But I am here NOW and I am going to be okay– because I am okay, NOW.

Transitions and change.

I’m going to keep writing.

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