Where do we go from here? We all — for I am certain that I am not alone, never alone, never the “only one” who has ever “felt this” — experience tremendous loss and grief. I have lost several things– family, friends, a wonderful job– that I can never replace. That is the truth. I have lost things that I can never, ever have back. There is grief in this. I am learning to grieve and I am trying to be okay with my baseline level of sadness right now. I am acknowledging my sadness. It’s here. After fifteen years (probably more) of fighting constantly to keep the sadness away… I’m letting it be here.
I am letting the sadness sit here with me. I am sitting with my sadness and there is some peace that comes with it, a level of realness when I recognize I am sad and I just sit with it. Sure, the crying spells at work, or while walking home, or while sitting on my couch, are hard.
I am trying to find the line between feeling my sadness and indulging in self-pity. I can feel sad without also thinking my life is sad. I am trying to remind myself that I am grieving, I have losses, I am sad. It’s okay. It’s the truth.
The truth is I am sad.
I am telling myself the truth and it is painful, but I am finding small reprieve from the need to put up a facade.
I am sad.
I am grieving.
This is part of healing.