(I’ve been full of epiphanies lately, it seems– and yes, yes, an epiphany is only there for the person whose light bulb goes off- so perhaps few other people will benefit, but there really is nothing like the feeling of every cell in my body going, “AHA!” in an I get it now and an I understand the truth of it — even for a moment. But okay, I’m trying to not preface my ideas with apologetic explanations, so, closing parentheses, moving on…)
Authenticity. This used to be such a big word for me, and then I lost it for a couple years. I’m finding authenticity again, slowly, and it’s so empowering. Today I woke up, enjoyed my slow morning, cooked myself brunch, played Scrabble, got dressed in clothes that I felt comfortable/”me” in, walked to a coffee shop, bought some coffee and a muffin, and proceeded to journal for an hour and then continue writing for another couple hours. It was exactly the type of Saturday I needed. Yes, I often spend too too much time in my head, but this– this was not that. I needed this space, it was exactly right. I felt so utterly myself. A good friend stopped by the coffee shop as I was getting ready to go. I hadn’t seem him since July, and he said, “You’re glowing.”
I knew I was glowing because of the writing I had just finished, the day I was having, the way I listened to my gut and heart and was authentic. I was glowing because I was authentic. I took a risk and I shared with him about the writing that I was doing and I felt safe sharing with him why I felt so joyful this afternoon.
So- the necessity of authenticity– for me– today–
I (we) try so hard to love ourselves. We’re supposed to love ourselves and like ourselves.
Self-love begins with self-acceptance.
I can only accept myself if I accept myself which means I need to be authentic. It means listening to my voice and doing the hard work of figuring out what my voice is saying and then having the courage to act on it.
I can only love myself if I accept myself and I can only accept myself if I am true to myself– if I am myself.
Such a simple truth- but I see it now. I see how it makes sense. It makes utterly true, true sense. This is why pretending to be someone else, or trying to change myself to “fit in” to a certain mold or particular type of environment doesn’t work…. because how can I like myself and accept myself if I’m not being myself?
I get it. I actually get it.