Resistance (yes, it’s futile)

I’m resisting a lot today. I wanted to wake up and spend one morning this weekend doing some stretching/breathing/in-my-body centering… but I had a hard time being still. So on Saturday I took a walk outside in the sunshine and that helped me feel a little grounded, and then today I spent a long time with a close friend, which was also very grounding. As I wrapped up my evening, I realized that I still hadn’t done my stretching. My body is calling for it… and I am resisting.

Honestly, right now I’m exhausted– but there has been a sense of resisting feelings this weekend. After years and years of trying to numb my feelings into submission, now actively trying to go in reverse and FEEL THE FEELINGS — this is quite a process. It’s hard. Does alcohol help? No, definitely not. But I’m also convinced that it’s a two step forward/one step back type of thing. I really can only feel so much before the alert system in my body goes “Whoooah hold up//too much//too fast!”

Resisting, to me, feels like there’s something blocked. Something too big to access quickly. There’s too much to let the lid off right now. But it all has to come out eventually.

Feelings are like energy– never created or destroyed just changing form. Or expression.

I’m also learning other things about resistance. For example, when I have a lot of tension in my face and jaw, I am resisting tears. I find ways to induce crying, either by watching emotional television (Hello Grey’s Anatomy obsession) or listening to emotion-full music (Next to Normal soundtrack).

I am currently resisting some feelings and definitely resisting some tears, although I had a good cry (albeit a brief one) this afternoon. I’m going to be gentle with myself and wait around– maybe I’ll get through to these feelings tomorrow.

After spending so many, many years building up safety walls, the process of taking them down is exhausting– and worth it.

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