Questions I often ponder

How much should I “take” for how much I “give”? If everything has its ups and downs and ins and outs, I suppose the best approach is to go with the flow. Sometimes I give much, much, much more than I ever receive and some days I feel like all I do is take, take, take. I soak up love and support like a sponge on some days, which makes it easier to then give to others. We have to keep our own supplies in store — I can’t give if I don’t have anything to give. Everything is in a cycle and I am uncomfortable with the fact that right now I find myself receiving much, much more than I am able to give. How much do I need? How much do others need?

How much is enough?

Ultimately, the chilling question is am I enough?

The answer is yes, but there also is no answer. Every moment calls for a slightly  different level of enough-ness. Every situation has a slightly different give-take ratio. Some days I can easily put myself last. Some days I need to. Some days I put myself last and it was self-deprecating; I needed more and did not take it. Some days I have nothing to give of my spirit and mind and, yes, I tend towards a level of self-loathing on those days. I am depleted. I am done. I am angry when I can’t communicate this. Am I enough? In these moments the question is still as hard as when I give everything.

We are always enough, exactly as we are.

I am enough. No matter what type of give-take-support-receive moment it is. I believe the universe balances us out. We have to recharge – take – receive — so that we may more fully serve others.

In those perilous moments of self-doubt and existential chaos I forget this. I try to not take anything too seriously — even myself — but once we get mired in the brain and thinkingthinkingthinking too much thinking, it is hard to pull out. It’s hard to always be preventative. We are imperfect. I am imperfect. It is what it is. I am trying to be okay with this.

I get frustrated with quotations and inspirations that say “It’s okay to fail, it’s not okay to not try” and things like that. Am I enough? becomes Did I fail? or Did I not even try? and I wonder how this messaging hits others. To me, there are so many things I have not tried, did not try, refused to try, refused to take a risk. So is failure not trying? I have failed so many, many, many times. In the “not okay” way to fail. Hasn’t everyone?

Is being alive enough to say we keep trying?

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Share a thought

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s