Questions I often ponder

How much should I “take” for how much I “give”? If everything has its ups and downs and ins and outs, I suppose the best approach is to go with the flow. Sometimes I give much, much, much more than I ever receive and some days I feel like all I do is take, take, take. I soak up love and support like a sponge on some days, which makes it easier to then give to others. We have to keep our own supplies in store — I can’t give if I don’t have anything to give. Everything is in a cycle and I am uncomfortable with the fact that right now I find myself receiving much, much more than I am able to give. How much do I need? How much do others need?

How much is enough?

Ultimately, the chilling question is am I enough?

The answer is yes, but there also is no answer. Every moment calls for a slightly  different level of enough-ness. Every situation has a slightly different give-take ratio. Some days I can easily put myself last. Some days I need to. Some days I put myself last and it was self-deprecating; I needed more and did not take it. Some days I have nothing to give of my spirit and mind and, yes, I tend towards a level of self-loathing on those days. I am depleted. I am done. I am angry when I can’t communicate this. Am I enough? In these moments the question is still as hard as when I give everything.

We are always enough, exactly as we are.

I am enough. No matter what type of give-take-support-receive moment it is. I believe the universe balances us out. We have to recharge – take – receive — so that we may more fully serve others.

In those perilous moments of self-doubt and existential chaos I forget this. I try to not take anything too seriously — even myself — but once we get mired in the brain and thinkingthinkingthinking too much thinking, it is hard to pull out. It’s hard to always be preventative. We are imperfect. I am imperfect. It is what it is. I am trying to be okay with this.

I get frustrated with quotations and inspirations that say “It’s okay to fail, it’s not okay to not try” and things like that. Am I enough? becomes Did I fail? or Did I not even try? and I wonder how this messaging hits others. To me, there are so many things I have not tried, did not try, refused to try, refused to take a risk. So is failure not trying? I have failed so many, many, many times. In the “not okay” way to fail. Hasn’t everyone?

Is being alive enough to say we keep trying?

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