Out of control

Gloria Steinem has become a motto in my life: “The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.”

I am so pissed off. I am so angry. Frustrated. Screaming and punching walls. I am so angry.

Here’s a truth: I am a perfectionist.
Here’s a truth: If I’m not careful, it’s going to kill me. It’s slowly killing me.
Here’s a truth: It is so ingrained that I hardly recognize it for what it is.
Here’s a truth: It is out of control.
Here’s a truth: Perfectionism is a disease in my body and brain and soul and it finds new ways to creep up and attempt to strangle me.

Maybe I’m being a bit dramatic. Fine. I’m pissed off. I’m exhausted of being this way. Black and white: If it’s not perfect it’s a failure. If I’m not perfect, I’m a failure. If a job or an opportunity or a request or anything isn’t PERFECT (in whatever way I conceptualize it at the time) then it’s not worth it. It’s not good enough. I’m so critical of everyone and everything and it stems from how I view, treat, and speak to myself.

Some days I can laugh about it. Some days I can own it. On those days it feels a bit more manageable. Today, guess what, is not one of those days.

I oscillate between shy, anxious, mousy, perfectionist, childish Me, and the more adult, confident, competent Me. So many situations trigger the childish mousy Me, who needs the “help” of perfectionism to get through a situation. I hate that this happens. I hate the shell of a person I become when triggered in these ways. I don’t totally understand it yet. Awareness is a good step. (The Perfectionist in me is scoffing and seething; awareness is not enough!)

I am so angry. I’m hoping this anger will be motivation to continue working to break free of perfectionism… it has taken too many opportunities from me. I’m angry and sad and pissed off.

How about that for some truth.



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3 Responses to Out of control

  1. fishrobber69 says:

    I can understand this feeling .. I still have regrets from the many times in my life that I failed to do something because I knew I wouldn’t get it right .. ugh.

    • scrabblinact says:

      It’s a rock and a hard place– but sober awareness is, I am hoping, some strong motivation to get better. How do you move forward after such a setback?

      • fishrobber69 says:

        Sometimes I don’t feel like I ever move forward. When I give in to that perfectionism and let it control my life, I just tend to wallow in the stench of failure. My inner dialog keeps reminding me of all my mistakes, no matter how insignificant they would seem to an outside observer; even my successes are quashed by thoughts of “you could have done better”. I think I need to learn to conquer the fear of failure and learn to ignore that inner voice before I can avoid the black-and-white thought patterns.

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