I was swiping through Tumblr last night and saw the following image:
This is not a new message- right? It’s something we hear a lot. From Rent– “Forget regret or life is yours to miss” — and I have been stuck in a small place of regret for the last six months. I’ve been telling myself, one day ‘this’ won’t hurt so much and it will be okay– but right now is not one day. Today it hurts a lot. Today I am full of regret, replaying what could have been over and over again.
And then– I don’t know– maybe I was ready to move forward, maybe it was New Years Eve, maybe I was just sick and tired of feeling stuck– but when I saw this image last night, something clicked.
at one time it was exactly what I wanted.
Most things are. I know I have a propensity towards instant gratification- what I need, I need now. I am a creature of urgency and getting a fix. It’s a part of me that is hard to work with sometimes. I have trouble with the both/and of wanting something, but not wanting it right now; of needing something, but not able to have it right now; of feeling scared, sick, or in pain and needing to escape it right now. I am impulsive and takes risks because of what I need right now.
It is an interesting combination: staying in the present moment and hyper-fixating on it.
I am not fond of the January new year. To me the year starts over when the school year starts and on Rosh Hashanah; to me the new year comes in the fall. And any day is a good day to make a resolution. Every day is a good day for a clean slate, a fresh start– every day is a good day to have a good day and begin anew.
But, on this new year– I am choosing to let go of some of this regret. I am letting it go. I make decisions based on right now and so, right then, six months ago, I made a decision which was what I needed in the moment.
I’m holding on to that. At one time, it was what I wanted. And that’s okay.
We are all healing and moving forward.
May this new year- 2015- bring peace and hope to all who need it. May we find the strength and courage we need to have the hard conversations we need to have, to make the difficult decisions we need to make, and may we trust in the universe that there is always enough love and time for healing.