In the gut

The hardest, longest distance to travel is the twelve inches between my brain and my heart. And my gut.

I often start with my brain though, because it’s a way to get at a “why” of it all. I read all the time. About trauma. About grief. About emotions. About the physical consequences of emotional repression. About reconnecting with your body. About all these things. And I acknowledge that this is a start. I can start with my brain– we all have to start somewhere. When I understand, in my head, that I need to delve into my heart and my gut, I sometimes am able to do so. But I have to start with knowing. My brain is my safety net, after all.  But just speaking intellectually is not in itself really helpful or healing. Telling a story without feeling it is emotional disconnection.

Observation: When I am speaking from my heart, I tend to shake, my hands often tremble, because of the emotional intensity. When I am speaking from my heart, my whole body feels connected. When I am speaking from my heart, I feel alive.

This does not happen, the shaking, the connection, the alive-ness when I just speak from my brain. But I use my brain to get to my heart, a first step. Meet myself where I’m at.

Music often helps me gets into my heart.

Here is, from Hedwig and the Angry Inch, “The Origin of Love” –

That’s the pain
that cuts a straight line down through the heart

we call it love.

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