It is. Because I am aware of how I am scrambling inside, scurrying around busy bee to avoid avoid avoid emotions. How I think I am avoiding anger and under the anger has got to be sadness; at this point I’ll bet on sadness being the undercurrent of my anger. I am aware of how hard it was to connect tonight and I am aware that I was judging myself so much and part of it was that I feel scattered, in the air, anything but grounded.
Here are some things I wanted to say:
Getting my period a few days ago has been tremendously triggering. It brings up so much. How I love being a strong, adult woman and how I also struggle with being genuine. How I’m not, in so many ways, the woman my mother hoped I would be. How incredibly homophobic I can be sometimes. How keeping myself small and invisible lets me avoid facing my sexuality and maturity. How shameful puberty was, and how shameful it still feels. How hard it is to truly connect with others. How I know there is a really big step I need to take, and I planned to take it on Sunday, and I drank myself to sleep on Saturday night, sabotaging that plan for Sunday. How I haven’t drank like that since the summer and I am so pissed off because it started so innocuously. How I knew, though, that it didn’t just feel like a glass of wine while cooking dinner and I suspected where that road would go. How aware I was on one level that I was drinking to avoid eating, drinking to avoid applying for an incredible work opportunity, drinking to take the edge off the fear of putting myself out there, drinking because I had been scrambling internally all weekend and am anything but grounded.
I am aware, too, that I want a do-over from tonight and be more authentic. I am aware that all I can do is the present moment, and the next best thing, and just keep doing my best. I am aware that I met someone recently who I find beautiful and kind and I am aware that I also feel shame because I feel these ways about her.
I am aware that writing right now means I’m not sleeping, or preparing to sleep and I am certain–beyond aware–that my sleep is in a deficit right now.
Developing awareness is frustrating, but it also brings me to this: I knew I had things I needed to say tonight. Emotions that didn’t make it, feelings that never connected to words. I am aware that I am not 100% there now, either, but perfection is not my goal these days. I am aware I needed to get just a little bit of it out, so here I write.