Sleep has not been happening so much these days. And it’s the first week in March. March in general is a high energy time. Bouncy, buzzy, giggly, goofy, maybe perhaps some may say a hypomanic time of year, spring, even though I’m trying to not go to diagnostic land. There was just a lot of jumping a lot of energy a lot of goofy a lot of feeling not quite like myself today. And then the jumping and skipping once off the train running home dancing giggling to myself.
A kind woman said to me tonight, “It’s cute, it’s endearing, it’s goofy,” and she couldn’t help but giggle too; she has never seen me in such a talkative, giggly state. But also I am self-conscious of it because I know what it could turn into and that’s Something I Don’t Talk About Because People Don’t Really Get It. Maybe people could get it, if I trusted them more. I wonder if I could trust this kind woman with what goofy endearing talkative me can shift into. I also have good reason to fear that people won’t understand and that this woman in particular won’t.
But springtime– despite feet of snow– this is a time of year I have to be mindful of high energy.
I’ve been dragging all week, exhausted. Very minimal sleep. Not so bueno. Then today, I felt a shift. A little less tired. And then as I was leaving work, all of a sudden I was overcome with adrenaline, with energy, with excitement. I started shaking so much I didn’t calm down for almost two hours after.
I haven’t had that happen in awhile; excitement, adrenaline. Too much energy in the body. Trembling. Like a leaf, but my body, my hands, shaking. Uncontrollably.
I jump to Why. Why is this going on? What caused it? And I need an answer. I want an answer, an explanation, I want to explain it and understand it: I don’t stop shaking for nearly two hours. And then still energy jiggling legs hands body too much energy get it outttttta me!
The kind woman this evening said, “It’s okay, it’s where you’re at right now, and why do you keep apologizing?”
I kept apologizing because it feels like Too Much Me and being too much is a hard thing for me to wrap my head around. For someone who is often reserved and withdrawn, having these periods of high energy talkative goofy laughing can’t contain this energy is scary because it feels like losing control.
I suspect I’m not making sense right now.
Sometimes it’s just happens. It’s just where I’m at right now. I’ll know if it gets concerning. Actually, it will be concerning if I am no longer concerned about it but other people are.
It’s where I’m at right now and it’s interesting.
It is interesting….
Also, last year I wrote a post in March about similar body energy mind adrenaline sensations. Cycles? Yeah. My mood tanks in November when we lose daylight; I think it makes sense that in March I have a giggly speedy wowza phase, too. I’m noticing patterns and it’s interesting !!