I have been tied up in myself lately, is what it comes down to. I’ve been feeling a need to write and put something out there for awhile, a need to pull the tangled web of thoughts and spinning ruminations out of my brain and twist it out into something smoother, cleaner– words. Yet, I haven’t written. I haven’t done a whole lot at all. I have been tied up in myself.
I have been strongly attached to my ego and Storylines these days. Not caught up in my life overtly; that’s not not really my scene, to draw attention to myself and what I’m doing. But in my brain? I have had a lot of “I” time. I worry about how others are perceiving me. I worry about all the unskillful things I’ve said. I worry about how much everyone must (surely, must) hate me. I have felt overwhelmingly behind at work. I have been unwaveringly hard on myself. My perceptions have been distorted, bizarre. My brain has snowballed into my stomach– and my heart? Forget about my heart.
It’s been the Story that’s running the show lately. The Story of how I can’t do anything right. The Story of how I am incompetent at work. The Story of how I am unkind, inconsiderate. The Story of how I can’t be bothered to eat. The Story of how my low self-esteem and lack of confidence ruin everything. The Story of how I can’t leave work because I’m too behind; the Story of how I haven’t earned kindness from myself; the Story, the Story, the Story.
I find myself scared to check in with myself. Nervous to be real. What’s under the hardened exterior these days? What happens if I let go of the Ego, the Story, the tenacious grip I have on my Self? What happens if I let myself relax? What may happen?
Even as I write this, it’s all about “I” … it’s all about my week, my failures, my resistance.
Love begins with letting go of the self and genuinely connecting with others, with the world.
I’m clinging to myself in confusing ways this week.
And perhaps awareness is a step. Perhaps I’m not the only one who has these weeks. Perhaps we all have days and weeks when we get caught up in our lives, our pereived failures; maybe we all have times when we are being ridiculously hard on ourselves.
Maybe I don’t know why it’s so hard to lessen my grip this week, but I also, maybe, don’t have to know why.
And I’m going to take a deep breath, and try to recenter myself. And let go. And open my eyes.
The world is out there.